Thirty-One

My thirty-first birthday began with my daughter crying in her crib at one in the morning. My tired, selfish self thought, Really, baby girl? After weeks of sleeping until 5 you decide to wake up early on your mama's birthday? My loving, knowing-all-too-well-these-days-are-numbered self thought, Oh, she just wants to wish her mama a happy birthday before anyone else. I focused on that positive thought as I reached down for her, picked her up, and took advantage of some extra snuggles. (She did give me a birthday gift by sleeping until 7 after that, so my selfish side had no reason to whine.)

Having a baby this year was the number-one reason why my thirty-first birthday felt so weird. Every other year since graduating from college and starting my career, I've tried to take a day off from work to celebrate the day by sleeping in, reading, and going out for a nice dinner with Dave. Last year, to celebrate my entrance into another decade, we splurged and stayed at a fancy hotel in Grand Rapids. This year, however, I didn't have the option of taking a break from my responsibilities. Trust me, I wouldn't want another quiet birthday if it meant not having Miss G around. But the day was a reminder of how different my life is now that I'm a mom.

Another reason this birthday felt different from the rest was because it offered me a time to reflect on the past year, and although a lot has happened since I turned thirty, I hadn't slowed down enough to actually think about all I've experienced in the last twelve months. Since I turned thirty, we bought a house, Dave lost his dad to cancer, we had a baby, we went through a period of uncertainty with Dave's employment, Dave's mom lived with us for two months, my job description changed to work-at-home mom/work-at-office mom, and we changed churches. Phew! All year, people would compliment me on how well I was taking things, but it wasn't until my birthday that I realize I'd really been stuffing most of the emotions that came with all of those events. By the end of the day, I was just plain tired after contemplating everything.

Last year, my hope was that I would finally feel like an adult, and I'd say that I certainly accomplished that. This year, however, is the year to rebuild. Our lives were thrown into a tailspin by both good and bad things, so now I hope to get back on track, find out who I am now that my titles include "Mama," and continue living this crazy life. I know I won't get my act together right away, and I know it will never be perfect, but I hope I'll have a year that I can look back on and be proud of, one where I can say, "God was clearly working on me and changing me to be a better follower of him."